diff --git a/replaceable_schema.sql b/replaceable_schema.sql
index 7e0ae2e66..5d225a6a4 100644
--- a/replaceable_schema.sql
+++ b/replaceable_schema.sql
@@ -36,62 +36,42 @@ BEGIN
 END
 $$;
 
--- Create functions that select both old and new rows in a trigger. Column 1 is `-1` if old and `1` if new,
--- which can be used with `sum` to get the number to add to a count. Column 2 is the original row as a composite
--- value. A separate function is called in each `IF` statement to prevent an error from referencing transition
--- tables that don't exist. All of this could be one function, but that would require using `RETURN QUERY EXECUTE`
--- instead of calls to separate functions because of PostgreSQL's limited polymorphism. Parsing and planning dynamic
--- queries at runtime is worse for performance.
-CREATE PROCEDURE r.combine_transition_tables_function (table_name text)
-LANGUAGE plpgsql
-AS $a$
+-- Selects both old and new rows in a trigger and allows using `sum(count_diff)` to get the number to add to a count
+CREATE FUNCTION r.combine_transition_tables (tg_op text)
+    RETURNS SETOF record
+    LANGUAGE plpgsql
+    AS $$
 BEGIN
-    EXECUTE replace($b$
-        CREATE FUNCTION r.get_old_thing_rows ()
-            RETURNS SETOF record
-            LANGUAGE plpgsql
-            AS $$
-            BEGIN
-                RETURN QUERY SELECT -1, old_table FROM old_table;
-                RETURN;
-            END
-            $$;
-        CREATE FUNCTION r.get_new_thing_rows ()
-            RETURNS SETOF record
-            LANGUAGE plpgsql
-            AS $$
-            BEGIN
-                RETURN QUERY SELECT 1, new_table FROM new_table;
-                RETURN;
-            END
-            $$;
-        CREATE FUNCTION r.combine_thing_transition_tables (tg_op text)
-            RETURNS SETOF record
-            LANGUAGE plpgsql
-            AS $$
-            BEGIN
-                IF (TG_OP IN ('UPDATE', 'DELETE')) THEN
-                    RETURN QUERY SELECT * FROM r.get_old_thing_rows () AS (count_diff bigint, thing thing);
-                END IF;
-                IF (TG_OP IN ('UPDATE', 'INSERT')) THEN
-                    RETURN QUERY SELECT * FROM r.get_new_thing_rows () AS (count_diff bigint, thing thing);
-                END IF;
-                RETURN;
-            END
-            $$;
-    $b$, 'thing', table_name);
+    IF (TG_OP = 'UPDATE') THEN
+        RETURN QUERY
+        SELECT
+            -1 AS count_diff,
+            old_table AS affected_row
+        FROM
+            old_table
+        UNION ALL
+        SELECT
+            1 AS count_diff,
+            new_table AS affected_row
+        FROM
+            new_table;
+    ELSIF (TG_OP = 'INSERT') THEN
+        RETURN QUERY
+        SELECT
+            1 AS count_diff,
+            *
+        FROM
+            new_table;
+    ELSE
+        RETURN QUERY
+        SELECT
+            -1 AS count_diff,
+            *
+        FROM
+            old_table;
+    END IF;
 END
-$a$;
-
-CALL r.combine_transition_tables_function('comment');
-
-CALL r.combine_transition_tables_function('community');
-
-CALL r.combine_transition_tables_function('community_follower');
-
-CALL r.combine_transition_tables_function('person');
-
-CALL r.combine_transition_tables_function('post');
+$$;
 
 -- Creates triggers for all operation types, which can't be 1 trigger when transition tables are used
 CREATE PROCEDURE r.create_triggers (table_name text, function_name text)
@@ -168,7 +148,7 @@ BEGIN
                             sum(count_diff) FILTER (WHERE (thing_like).score = 1) AS upvotes,
                         sum(count_diff) FILTER (WHERE (thing_like).score != 1) AS downvotes
                 FROM
-                    r.combine_thing_transition_tables (TG_OP)
+                    r.combine_transition_tables (TG_OP)
                     AS (count_diff bigint,
                     thing_like thing_like)
                 GROUP BY
@@ -218,7 +198,7 @@ BEGIN
             (comment).local,
             sum(count_diff) AS comments
         FROM
-            r.combine_comment_transition_tables (TG_OP)
+            r.combine_transition_tables (TG_OP)
             AS (count_diff bigint,
             comment comment)
         WHERE
@@ -321,7 +301,7 @@ BEGIN
             (post).local,
             sum(count_diff) AS posts
         FROM
-            r.combine_post_transition_tables (TG_OP)
+            r.combine_transition_tables (TG_OP)
             AS (count_diff bigint,
             post post)
         WHERE
@@ -377,7 +357,7 @@ BEGIN
         SELECT
             sum(count_diff) AS communities
         FROM
-            r.combine_community_transition_tables (TG_OP)
+            r.combine_transition_tables (TG_OP)
             AS (count_diff bigint, community community)
         WHERE (community).local AND NOT ((community).deleted OR (community).removed)) AS diff;
     RETURN NULL;
@@ -399,7 +379,7 @@ BEGIN
         SELECT
             sum(count_diff) AS users
         FROM
-            r.combine_person_transition_tables (TG_OP)
+            r.combine_transition_tables (TG_OP)
             AS (count_diff bigint, person person)
         WHERE (person).local) AS diff;
     RETURN NULL;
@@ -470,7 +450,7 @@ BEGIN
             (community_follower).community_id,
             sum(count_diff) AS subscribers
         FROM
-            r.combine_community_follower_transition_tables (TG_OP)
+            r.combine_transition_tables (TG_OP)
             AS (count_diff bigint, community_follower community_follower)
         WHERE (
         SELECT